How Romance Scams Target Older Adults and What to Watch For
What a romance scam looks like
A romance scam starts with someone who seems genuinely interested in you — they message you on a dating site, social media, or through a game app. They ask questions about your life, remember details you've shared, and seem to understand you. Over weeks or months, they build trust and affection. Then they hit a crisis: a business emergency, a medical bill, a travel problem. They ask you to send money to help them out. The person you've been talking to doesn't exist.
The scammer's goal is your money, not a relationship. They may ask you to wire funds, buy gift cards, pay for their travel, cover medical costs, or invest in a business opportunity they claim will benefit you both. Some scammers ask you to receive packages or money transfers on their behalf and forward the funds — making you unknowingly part of money laundering. By the time you realize the relationship isn't real, hundreds or thousands of dollars may be gone.
Older adults are targeted more often than younger people in romance scams. Scammers know that people over 60 often have savings, own homes, and may be lonely after losing a spouse or moving away from family. They count on the fact that older adults may be less familiar with online dating and more trusting of someone who seems to care about them.
Key Takeaways
- Romance scammers build trust over weeks or months before asking for money, making the request feel like a natural part of the relationship.
- The person messaging you is almost certainly not who they claim to be — scammers use stolen photos and fake identities.
- Legitimate romantic partners do not ask you to send money, keep the relationship secret, or help them move funds.
- If you've already sent money, contact your bank or wire service immediately and report the scam to the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center.
- Telling family members about new online relationships early makes it harder for a scammer to isolate you and easier for someone who cares about you to spot warning signs.
How scammers build trust before asking for money
The scammer's first job is to make you feel special and understood. They compliment your appearance or personality, ask thoughtful questions, and respond quickly to your messages. They may say they're a widower, divorced, or have a strained relationship with their family — creating a sense that you two understand loneliness in the same way. They often claim to be traveling for work (military, oil rig, overseas business) so they can explain why they can't meet you in person.
This phase can last weeks or months. The scammer is patient because they're managing multiple victims at once. They're learning what matters to you — your grandchildren, your health concerns, your financial situation — so they can make their eventual request feel personal and urgent. They may send you small gifts or money to deepen your sense of obligation and trust.
By the time they ask for help, you've already invested emotional energy in the relationship. You believe you know this person. You want to help someone you care about. That's exactly what the scammer is counting on.
Red flags that appear before money is requested
Legitimate romantic partners do not avoid meeting you in person indefinitely. If someone you've been talking to for months keeps finding reasons not to video call, meet in your town, or introduce you to their friends, that's a warning sign. Scammers often claim their camera is broken, their internet is unreliable, or they're about to visit but something always comes up.
Watch for inconsistencies in their story. They may tell you they're a widower one week and mention their ex-wife the next. They might say they're in London for work but their messages come at times that don't match London's time zone. They may ask you personal questions they've already asked before, suggesting they're reading from a script or managing too many conversations to remember what they've told you.
Be cautious if they move quickly toward declarations of love, talk about a future together, or ask you to keep the relationship private. Real relationships develop gradually, and people who care about you want to meet your family and friends, not hide from them. Scammers isolate you because isolation makes you less likely to hear skepticism from people who know you.
The money request and what comes after
When the scammer finally asks for money, the request usually feels urgent and sympathetic. A business deal fell through and they need $5,000 to cover a contract. They're stuck overseas and need airfare home. A family member is sick and they need money for surgery. They ask you to wire funds, use a money transfer app, buy gift cards, or send cryptocurrency. They may ask you to keep it secret, saying they're embarrassed or don't want family to know.
If you send money once, the requests often continue. The scammer may say the money didn't arrive, or a new crisis has emerged. Some victims send tens of thousands of dollars over months or years before realizing the relationship isn't real. Others discover the truth when they finally insist on meeting in person or when a family member confronts them with evidence that the photos are stolen or the story doesn't add up.
The emotional impact of discovering a romance scam can be severe. You may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or foolish — even though scammers are skilled manipulators who target people's genuine desire for connection. These feelings are normal, and they shouldn't stop you from reporting what happened.
What to do if you think you're being scammed
If something feels off about an online relationship, trust that instinct. Ask the person to video call you right now, not tomorrow. Ask them to send you a photo holding a sign with today's date. Reverse-image search their photos using Google Images or TinEye to see if the same photo appears under different names. Search their name plus "scam" online.
Talk to someone you trust — a family member, close friend, or counselor. Describe the relationship and the money requests. Someone outside the situation can often spot red flags you might miss because you're emotionally invested. If family members express concern, listen to them seriously rather than defending the relationship.
If you've already sent money, contact your bank or wire service immediately. If you used a money transfer app like Western Union or MoneyGram, you may be able to stop the transfer if you act quickly. If you sent cryptocurrency, the money is almost certainly gone, but report it anyway. Contact your local police department and file a report with the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center at ic3.gov. These reports help law enforcement track scam patterns and sometimes recover money.
How to protect yourself going forward
If you use dating sites or apps, choose ones that verify user identity and have active moderation. Be skeptical of anyone who seems too perfect or moves too quickly toward intimacy. Never send money to someone you haven't met in person, no matter how long you've been talking or how real the relationship feels.
Keep your financial information private. Don't share your bank account number, Social Security number, or details about your savings with anyone you've only met online. Don't let someone convince you to open a joint account, take out a loan in your name, or invest money on their behalf.
Tell family members or trusted friends about new relationships early. This isn't about losing privacy — it's about having people who know you well enough to notice if something seems wrong. If someone you care about is in an online relationship, ask gentle questions rather than accusations: "How long have you two been talking?" "Have you video called?" "What does he do for work?" Curiosity is less likely to trigger defensiveness than skepticism.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I get my money back if I've already sent it?
It depends on how you sent it. If you wired money through a bank, contact them immediately — they may be able to reverse the transfer if you act within hours. Money transfer apps and gift cards are harder to recover. Cryptocurrency is almost never recoverable. Report the scam to the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center and your local police so there's an official record, even if recovery isn't possible.
What if I'm not sure whether I'm being scammed?
Ask the person to video call you right now, not at a scheduled time. Ask them to hold up a sign with today's date. Reverse-image search their photos. If they refuse any of these requests or make excuses, that's a strong warning sign. You can also contact your local Adult Protective Services office or a senior center — they can talk through the relationship with you without judgment.
Should I confront the scammer if I figure out what's happening?
No. Once you know it's a scam, stop all contact. Don't send money, don't try to get them to admit they're lying, and don't engage further. Scammers may become aggressive or try new manipulation tactics if you confront them. Block them on all platforms and report their account to the dating site or social media company.
Is it embarrassing to report a romance scam?
Reporting is not embarrassing — it's the responsible thing to do. Romance scammers are criminals who target thousands of people. Your report helps law enforcement identify patterns and sometimes recover money for other victims. The FBI and local police take these reports seriously and don't judge people for being scammed.
How do I know if someone I met online is real?
Real romantic partners are willing to video call, meet in person within a reasonable timeframe, introduce you to friends or family, and never ask you for money. They don't have elaborate stories about why they can't meet you. They don't move too quickly toward declarations of love or ask you to keep the relationship secret. Trust your instincts — if something feels off, it probably is.